growing

‘Leaving a Mark’ on This Blank Page

Although much of my complaints is work or school work, I have to say this semester is the best one yet. My Theory of Writing course is showing me how to become a more expressive writer, critical thinker, and excel at reading between the lines.

We finished Blankets, an illustrated novel by Craig Thompson. I highly recommend this novel to anyone who wants to read something with images, think deeply, cry a little, and feel every emotion in the book (a bit ironic, right?) Long story short (again), this book is Thompson’s narration of his life, his struggles with his art, and the story of first love and disconnected families.

One moment stood out to me the most in this book, and relates mostly to current situations in my life is the following, “Even a mistake is better than nothing.” The context is that one of the characters wanted Thompson to paint for her and he was afraid he would mess up.

What stands out the most in that quote is how bold it is. While it may be in a completely different context, I still took this moment to heart. Even a mistake is better than nothing, wow, is all I could think.

We have this idea that making mistakes is such a terrible thing. But, aren’t the mistakes we make a way to make ourselves better? There’s sayings like, “Have no regrets,” and “Everything happens for a reason,” because they are true. There have been so many mistakes and regrets I have, but I take them with me and make meaning from them, much like the novel Blankets discusses.

Throughout high school I had this idea that the people I was close friends with would stay true forever. At that moment where I graduated, the only true thing I was thinking about was how the sun was directly in my eyes; giving me a migraine, but I also was thinking about how this is it. That was the moment I never had to see the people who wronged me, the people who hated me, or the people who I loved.

It sounds like such a depressing way to look at graduation, but I disliked high school so strongly. I had always been a different kind of girl, someone who wanted to stand out rather than fit in, and we all know how disconcerned people are to differences. College is a growing experience for me, and I highly recommend everyone try it once in their life. In all seriousness, it has been a time where I realized who I want to be. All I do is try and reach that goal, and at the moment, I’m doing a pretty darn good job. But, the person who I am doesn’t start and stop with me, it’s the people I have encountered and spent my life with that have shaped me.

I have found, much like Craig Thompson, that even though friendships and relationships may not last forever, the mark they have on us never truly leaves. Thompson falls in love with a girl in the novel, and even though they are young and need to discover themselves, I can’t help but feel something for them. The fact that they both make such an impact on each other, even being a teenager, is astounding. The idea that someone can make such a powerful impact on your life is true to my life. Sometimes all you want is for them to stay and be with you, but eventually you come to a point when you realize they can’t.

There have been those friends who have come and gone and have meant nothing to me, and there have been those friends who have stayed but then drifted away (college does this, I have found). There have also been those friends who still remain, and always will.

It wasn’t until very recently, I discovered that finding yourself means making sacrifices with these relationships. It’s a sad realization, cruel and bitter, but it’s also something that I needed to bring to my attention. I start my real story here, and it’s much to my satisfaction rather than all of you reading.

The falling out I recently had with someone was certainly no easy one. This person has meant more to me than any other person on this planet. She had been there through every failure, every mistake, every heartbreak, every detail of my life; she knows it. Likewise, I have been there for her every step of the way.

We have watched people come and go, laughing, saying, “That’ll never be us.” But, if there is one thing I have learned from heartbreak it is you can never predict it. You want life to be perfect, candy-coated, but in reality no one plans out the bad things that may happen.

I never thought I would have a feeling where our friendship wasn’t worth it. I never thought I would think about her constantly, miss her, wish she would text or call, wish she would just reach out. I never thought I would stop trying to connect. I knew the conversation would be mundane, the same old, “What have you been up to?” The person she was becoming and the person I have become do not match anymore. I think as harsh as it may be, if she were reading, I have grown and learned and become who I want to be and I think she is still discovering that. I know there is someone who will change her, make her who she needs to be. Or maybe she won’t ever find out.

There are these moments in our life where we can’t breathe, and it feels like we can’t do anything but sit and stare at the wall. All the memories come swirling back to you in these moments, when you want to forget but you can’t. A break up, a falling out, a death; you won’t ever forget them. You can paint over the memories but there is still that tiny spot in your mind that reminds you it’s more than a memory, it existed.

I’ve always had a hard time saying I’m sorry, or admitting my mistakes. I know I’m stubborn and I hate to be told I am wrong. But, I refuse to sacrifice what I believe in for someone else and their satisfaction. I know I have said things in my past and present that I regret. I am so sorry to everyone. I am sorry that I never went to your graduation party. I am sorry I didn’t want to go on a date with you. I am sorry you didn’t love me. I am sorry you turned out you needed a therapist and I couldn’t help you. I am sorry that we couldn’t be what we dreamed of being. I am sorry I said those mean things to you. I am sorry we are over.

Life is meaningless without mistakes. I know she thinks I made a mistake. I know she thinks that I was the worst friend anyone can have, and I know for awhile, maybe forever, she will think that. I can only thank her for the memories. Thank you, for all that you have given me and all that you will continue to give me. I will miss and always love you, like the sister you were to me. You can’t ever understand what I went through, my inner-termoil, because you never listened. It is all my fault that I couldn’t try harder to reach out, that I gave up. I wish I hadn’t given up, but it’s what I needed to do. I hope that you can understand one day.

If I could speak to her, although I think I will never be given the chance, there are so many things I would say. I could lash out and yell at her for making me look like a villain, when I know who is at fault. I know that’s what I want to do, but I think now I would say to her, if you have to be mad, be mad not at me but at the fact that we need to change. We can’t be the same person we were at 14. We will never be the same. We thought that change was an okay thing to accept into our lives, but the truth is it’s a hard concept. You can’t stop it, and you can’t predict it. We can only live from it.

I want to continue to grow, to make meaning of this life I have been given. I can’t take everyone with me on this journey. I’m constantly on this journey to find myself, and even though I think I have reached a high point in my life, I know I will never end the journey. I know I will continue to make mistakes, but I have accepted it’s a natural part of life, of living.

 

“How satisfying is it to leave a mark on a blank surface. To make a map of my movement–no matter how temporary.” –Craig Thompson, Blankets 

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Oh, The Places I Am Going!

Since I am starting up school again on Monday, I decided to think about everything I have accomplished in the past three months.  I have to say this summer was a lot different than all of my other breaks in the past.  Most of the time, my summers were spent either doing nothing all day, hanging out with friends, or working at a part time job.

This summer, I can say I spent my time a little more wisely, and I realized how much I have grown over such a short amount of time.

I successfully scored my first internship with a local newspaper in my area.  I was really excited to start this internship, seeing as it is exactly the direction I want to go with my life.  I think internships give students the opportunity to really see if they want to work in a given field.  You can go through your whole life thinking, “This is what I want to do” and then you get out there and realize you don’t belong.  I have always known I was going to do something with writing.  During my first year of college, I listened to friends talk about how they hate the school they go to, and how they can’t wait to change their major.  I always thought to myself, I could never see myself doing anything else but this.  I fixed up my resume before finals week and thought, “Time to get some experience!”

At the library with Larry the Cucumber…it was a slow night

And so came the internship, where I met inspiring people who gave me advice and bits of wisdom on the career that I want.  All the people I had the opportunity to work with gave me the chance to get my name out there and to show others what I can do.  I got to meet unique individuals, and I had the chance to share some of their stories with the community.  It’s like a chain of reaction: I helped the newspaper, they helped me, and I helped members of the community.  The media can be a beautiful thing.

So while I never got to sleep in this summer, nor bum around all day, I instead got to leave the house as a young woman, not a girl.  I loved staying busy all day, and actually feel like I am doing something worthwhile.

I hope to keep in touch with everyone that I met over these few months, including a new friend I met on the train.  It was great to have someone to talk to about intern life, and he knew great places to eat in Doylestown, Pa (Hickory Kitchen was a favorite of his).

Besides working part time as an intern, I also continued to work at the library, picking up tons of extra shifts throughout the week.  It was hard because sometimes all I wanted to do was come home and sleep, but instead I had to go straight from the internship to my library job.  This was definitely something new for me because I really had to figure out how to balance my schedule.  I think the amount I worked this summer will help me prepare for school, and not only that but the “real world.”  So many young teens this day have it made, and get things handed to them on a silver platter.  That sounds great, but in the future when they have to have  a real job, perhaps they will have a hard time adjusting.

Besides all the working, I have to say I have had my fair share of goofing off.  My best friend moved back down from the Pocono’s so I got to see her more than I normally would. I saw one of my favorite bands in concert, Train!  I got my own kitty, Zooey, who is pretty much the best cat anyone could ask for.

I think in life when you have the opportunity to surround yourself with amazing people, you should do it.  Why chose anything else?  All my friends and family members have helped me transition from a young teen into a responsible adult.  I can’t give them all the credit though, I have done my fair share of growing up all on my own.  I think now would be a good time to quote Dr. Seuss from his book “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!”

Had to include Zooey in here, such a little baby here

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”

Sophomore year, here I come!