I’m sitting ridiculously on the floor, hunched over this computer. Panic! At the Disco’s new album Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die! plays loudly in the background. All I can smell is the hair dye that is on my head right now, waiting for it to turn a shade called Honey Butter. My mom passes by my room, telling me to open my shades and let some sun into my room. It really warms up your room, she tells me. As I obey, sunbeams fall across the candy apple red bedspread that looks all too inviting to me right now. I like noticing this, the color of my bedspread, the way the sun comes in through my cloudy window that I should really clean, the sound of new music, the stretch in my legs as I attempt to sit pretzel-style. Today is not a normal day. I should really be waking up at 6:30 a.m., but instead, just on this Tuesday, I can sit here and watch the sun in my window.
Fully recognizing solitude
With the warmth from the sun
Almost exactly overhead
Grazing the corner of my ear
Feet on a gravel path
Disturbing my distance
Buzzing yellow jackets
And crickets to a tempo
I cannot yet understand
Why I feel the need to sit
Touching my sun-beam face
Against the light of my hair
Feet on a gravel path
Butterflies moving drunkenly
Cutting through spindly bushes
And prickle topped cacti
The home to an orchestra, no,
Of melodious material
She often wondered if there was more to her life. She almost had everything she ever wanted; a job, a place to live, friends, a strong marriage. Every so often, she thought maybe she was just settling into a predetermined life.
She sat alone and had these thoughts on the balcony of the apartment, more frequently than ever before, as she waited for her husband to come home from work.
The sun was shining over the city, casting its rays on her stretched out legs, warming her body. Every so often a billowy cloud would float over the sun, creating a hazy glaze in the sky. Eventually, the sun was covered by one cloud that decided to stay.
She watched this cloud. No matter how hard the sun tried to burst through its whiteness, the cloud remained. She could see the outline of the sun, small and bright, but it never could escape the cloud’s presence.
She couldn’t stop staring at the cloud. Why couldn’t it just leave the sun be? All it wanted to do was shine down on the city, make its rounds around the sky. It didn’t need the cloud. But still the cloud remained.
The sun didn’t need the cloud. It was fine without it. It could shine on the city and cheer everyone’s day up, do all the things the sun was supposed to do. She couldn’t figure out why, but staring at the cloud and sun made her realize she didn’t need him.
His sweet and charming smile made her feel shy and small. He floated around the office, passing her desk in quick movements so that she could smell his cologne. She normally talked to everyone in the office, but with him around, she felt her own energy shrinking. Inside she felt bright and happy, but she couldn’t let out anything, afraid to say something she would regret.
She tried to dismiss these thoughts, and told herself could still have a great life, all the things she ever wanted–her husband included–without him. However, like the sun, she couldn’t get away from him. She couldn’t push away his presence, couldn’t forget how he drank coffee like her. Or the way he noticed when she would coordinate her earrings to her blouse.
Just then, she heard the screen door open and her husband walked onto the balcony. She jumped, startled at the idea that maybe he could read her thoughts and know she felt something toward her coworker.
“Hey, did I scare you?” her husband smiled and embraced her, his hair slightly touseled and his eyes a bit weary.
“Oh, no I was just sitting in the sun,” she said, walking inside.
“Huh, it looks cloudy at the moment. Let’s go inside and make some food,” he walked in and she shut the door behind them.
As she was closing it, she looked out towards the sky and saw the sun had finally broken free from the cloud. The cloud slowly crept away, inching itself away from the sun. As it moved, she was sure that the sun looked a little less bright, as if the cloud had given it something that it needed all along.
Maybe the sun needed the cloud after all.
Living in Pennsylvania is really irksome sometimes. Especially when it comes down to weather. I’m not sure what it is like in other states or countries, but on the East Coast the weather is very bipolar.
It is so deceiving when the weather is terrible for a week, and then Mother Nature decides to be beautiful for a few days. You would think this would be a good thing, but no sooner does the weather become nice, does Mother Nature snatch that wonderful sunshine-y goodness away from us.
“Ha ha, I got you now!”
I can just see her laughing.
You think that it is going to be so beautiful for a while longer, and you think, “Hey, this is the best fall ever!” Don’t do it! Don’t believe the rays of goodness!
The reason this comes about is that I can actually pleasantly sit on my computer without scowling at the draft that is seeping through my window. It has been a wonderful 60 degrees this weekend, and I am sure that when this next week gets moving, it will be freezing again. Don’t get me wrong, I love this nice weather, especially during fall. It’s just depressing because I know it will not last.
“Muahahaha….” said Mother Nature.
I’m still trying to pretend that it isn’t November.