Embracing the Change

I haven’t posted in over a month. I always write to clear my mind, to make a point, to bring meaning to something in my own life or others. It’s painful knowing I have been neglecting my passion, a part of my life.

If I am being honest with myself, I have been afraid. I have logged on several times to this account, hoping that these feelings I have had will come out. I have been hoping to find the answers to questions that have been left for me figure out.

I don’t think I will ever have the answers to some of these questions. However, I have come to terms with one thing, and that is change is inevitable and no matter how hard I try, I cannot determine what the future has in store for me. My experiences over the last year, the last month, have changed me more than I could handle, but I think now I have an understanding of where I am in my life.

Where does that leave me? If I start back in the beginning of college, I realize how young, stupid, naive I was. This is not to say I didn’t have a good head on my shoulders, I really did. I worked so hard, knowing every hour spent studying was a dollar worth spending. I made relationships, kept relationships, broke relationships, experienced heartbreak, drama, and a whole lot of bullshit. I tried to add onto the person I wanted to be, the person I was becoming.

It’s so unbelievably hard to become “someone.” We all have this grand master plan that we shoot for, and we end up falling hard with disappointment. We want the perfect job, the perfect scores, the best GPA, great friends and the guy/girl of our dreams. We want this house and that car. We want to live in close proximity to a school so our kids are safe. We want some life that we don’t know if we can have.

I’ve realized dreams are something that should pinned on a bulletin board, tattooed on an arm, plastered on a wall. They should be engraved in our brains. At the same time, I have realized that these dreams or goals or whatever, shouldn’t stop you from taking a chance on something new, exciting, different or scary. I can still have goals, but I can also be a risk-taker, a go-getter, a spontaneous woman ready to live her life.

I had this plan that I would marry this guy. Everything was great, wonderful. We never fought, well we never would, but I would nag at things I wanted to change. And they never did change. They got better at times, but still these things that I wanted to change remained the same. That’s so unbelievably wrong of me to think I can change a person. You can’t change anyone. They can change themselves, but ultimately in the end, people will be who they want to be. If I could only say every racing thought I had in that short span of time when I broke his heart, maybe he could understand. Maybe he could not hate me, his mom could stop telling everyone at work that I broke up with him out of the blue. It’s not my fault….I didn’t mean to change. How can you get a person to not change? I’m sorry for hurting him. I’m sorry I couldn’t be sad, that I moved on so quickly. I had this unrealistic idea that we would graduate, I would work in the city, so would he, and then we would live together, followed by marriage. Seriously. What the hell was I thinking? I sound like a 13 year old girl cutting pictures out of magazines of bridal dresses and cakes saying, “This is what my life is going to be like.” No one knows what life is like, it just happens. So, if I had to tell him anything, which I promised him I would (and I never did out of more fear of hurting him, and the sheer fact that I don’t think I owe him anything), I would say I am sorry for becoming a different person. This is the best thing to happen to us because if we continued walking down this comfortable, no-thrills path, I surely would regret the person you are and the person I had become. You have given me a special time in my life, one for which I am grateful of, and I will never forget it.

There’s love that falls apart in relationships and then there’s love that falls apart in friendships. I can’t say which I hate most, losing a relationship or losing a friendship. Friends are intertwined in our lives, at least they should be. The worst part in any relationship is giving 110% and receiving less than that. I always try and do my best to be a good friend. I don’t even know what a good friend is, and I don’t know if there needs to be a specific definition. I do know that I don’t regret leaving behind any of my friendships. I refuse to be walked on, have no self-respect, and be treated like a fool. I am willing to go to the ends of the Earth for people, and I sometimes think they wouldn’t even go to edge of the water for me. I was supposed to be in a special time of my one friend’s life. I tried so hard to mend the cracks in our relationship, some created by me and some created by her (although she’s so perfect she won’t admit she did anything wrong). All my effort was overlooked, all my cries for attention buried under an enormous mound of lies and laziness. Thank you, for teaching me to stand up for myself, something I don’t know if I ever will fully be able to do on my own. If it wasn’t for my mom, and the actual friends I had, I would have stood next to you and listened to you say, “I do,” and have to put on a happy face, knowing I am filler, an object to fill a space that you couldn’t care less about. You didn’t care about me, and in fact if I wouldn’t have tried to text, Facebook, email….whatever….you would have just let it fade. I’m sorry that I ruined your night, but you ruined countless of mine and made me think I was a worthless friend, and a worthless individual. I’d rather be self-centered than a liar.

Then I had this crazy rebellious stage. They say college is all about the “college experience,” and you know what? They are right. Kids need to get out there (being smart about it) and drink, have sex, do drugs, run around, stay up late, eat bad food–all of it. I think we all have this feeling, this urge, to just do something. You don’t know what it is until you are in the moment. I don’t even know what this “something” is. I just know that when you feel it, you just want to be so spontaneous you couldn’t care less about the outcome or the time of day. You just want to flirt and be with everyone you come in contact with, or at least that’s how I felt. I guess I didn’t want to be alone.

That’s when I met him. He had his “eye” on me for a span of time. A couple dates, a couple kisses, some late-night flirtatious texting and I thought maybe, this could be something. Then I realized he wasn’t going to treat me how I wanted to be treated, and what’s the point of seeing someone who doesn’t make the fireworks go off? Reminds me, I still need to text him.

When I think about sparks, I think about this guy. It’s a crazy love story, almost taken out of a Nicholas Sparks book or maybe just a cheesy rom-com on a Saturday night. He’s ridiculous. If I could manufacture the ideal guy, it would be him. He’s everything that I’ve ever wanted in someone, and more. We met while working in the same town, and thank goodness he decided to have some courage that day. Every time I pass that corner I think about him. It’s crazy, it’s just a corner! Now he’s back in my life. Let me tell you, this time I can be honest about my feelings for you. I wish I wouldn’t have held back. I hope that you and I can make this work. I don’t care about distance, labels, time.

Honestly, I want to see you be brave. Say what you want to say, and let the words fall out.”*

I know you’ve had bad experiences with a situation like this, but maybe one day I can change your mind. In the meantime I’m willing to do almost anything for you, because a connection like this is what everyone is searching for, despite how cliche it sounds, I think it’s that whole “missing puzzle piece” thing that everyone talks about. My music professor said, “Don’t be with someone you love, be with someone you can’t live without.” I think that fits for us.

Not every learning experience I have had has come from something bad. I’ve met a few amazing, inspiring, funny, and easy to get along with people so far this year. One young woman, who I hope will be my friend long after college, has opened my eyes. She just has the same morals, same ideas, same goals and dreams as I do. I don’t know what I would have done during this time of change, this time of confusion, without her. And as always, my mom has been a huge help and a huge supporter of everything I do. She can play devil’s advocate pretty well, but more often than not, she is always on my side. I am thankful to have another close friend, who may not be close in age, but she is someone so close and dear to me, I cannot imagine life without her. She’s just a great example of someone who has struggled in life, but continues to give and help even though she needs it more than I do.

I’ve heard people say change is good, and I’ve heard people being afraid of change. I can say now, that I can embrace anything that comes my way. I’m ready to be daring, different, spontaneous, loving, mindful, and at peace with myself and the people around me. Much like the journey to discovering myself, I am constantly traveling down new and exciting paths that tests my understanding and love of the written word. Without writing, there is no meaning. Without change, there is no future.

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15 comments

  1. omg this is beautiful. you have so many things to say that I feel like is so relevant to people our age right now. it’s so true. it’s so good to feel like we’re not alone in this time of our lives. I’m seriously so thankful to have met you, you are a breath of fresh air and such a great friend. we will definitely be friends for a very long time. I love you!!!!!!!!

  2. As an aspiring writer, I have found your posts to not only be extremely lackluster (to put it nicely) but juvenile as well. I feel as if you’re the blogger’s world of a Taylor Swift, where any relationship gone awry will be the focus of your next blog in the hopes that the targeted individuals will view. (I’d hate to be your friend in the fear of being your next blog post if you disagreed with me!) But unlike Taylor Swift who reaps in money for her “talent”, you just appear as a high schooler who pouts about the misfortunes of life and relationships.

    When you’re not creating a boring post that no one cares about, you use your blog to hide behind. You make yourself out to be the “victim” and that you are mighty and strong, but you are simply a coward that hides behind a computer screen. I doubt you’ve even talked to the conflicting people to their face about your troubles with them. Clearly you don’t, as you had stated above with your boyfriend and how you did not tell him the truth for “fear of hurting his feelings”. Yes, since a blog post scrutinizing him is definitely not malicious. Blogs are not diaries nor should they be used as a way to indirectly tell off people who have stepped on your toes. It just shows a contradiction when you say you’ve grown and matured when in all actuality you are as mature as a hormonal sixteen year old girl.

    1. Thank you for your comment and for reading, Beca Baker. I am glad to hear that you are an aspiring writer and see no wrong in you disliking my blog or what I choose to write about. I always appreciate comments, negative or positive.

      I have found many inspiring bloggers, photojournalists, poets, and other individuals, who choose to use their blogs as a way to connect to people, and perhaps show off a talent or passion they may have.

      I choose to use my blog as a way to express myself, and connect with friends or other bloggers/readers who may have experienced the same things I have, or maybe in the case of you, who disagree with me. Sometimes I write funny stories of things that have happened to me, relationships I may have had, recipes, exciting trips, etc.

      Since you claim to be an aspiring writer, I am curious to see what you choose to write about and if you have even had the courage to start a blog. There are no rules with blogging. They can be irrational, creative, sexual, inspiring, political, literal—anything, and that is the beauty of writing.

      I’ve found that when I read other people’s writing, I use that as a chance to open myself up to new ideas and perhaps even things that I am afraid to try, or disagree with, in my own writing. Calling me immature, hormonal, malicious, and a coward is a direct attack towards me as an individual, not a critique against my writing.

      I use writing as a way to make meaning of the world around me. It is my passion that I continue to pursue and learn from every day.

      Thank you for reading.

      1. Your response to this rude lady is very classy Madi. Nobody else should have to give you permission to write what you want to write about! This blog is for you. If you want it to be your diary, it can be. This woman is obviously just a name caller with too much time on her hands!

      2. Despite my immaturity of being a Taylor Swift replica, I do look at my blog as something somewhat professional. Thank you for taking note of that! 🙂

    2. I didn’t realize “aspiring writers” could critique people and their writing. I for one don’t think you are “as mature as a hormonal sixteen year old girl”, but actually a very mature, beautiful young woman who has a bright future ahead of her. Hey Beca, maybe you should actually focus on the writing considering you’re not even a published writer or anything. Stick to reading and keeping your thoughts to yourself and leave the actual critiquing to people who actually have the credentials to do so. I myself may not be a published writer or anything either but I’m not on here criticizing others who are skillfully pouring out there soul on a PUBLIC BLOG. If you Google the term “blog” you know what comes up? “A web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer.” So maybe you should look in the mirror before you call someone else “as mature as a hormonal sixteen year old girl”, and should actually get your facts straight before you take it out on others. Keep on writing Madi! 🙂 You’re an amazing person and I can’t wait to read more of your inspirational, incredible writing!

  3. I for one do not feel you sound like a high schooler. Nor do I think your blogs are boring and if so one could stop reading them. Plus I believe since I have written in the past that writing out your thoughts etc is at the best therapeutic. Beca Baker doesn’t seem to realize that you have tried many times to converse with people only to have your words fall on deaf ears. Maybe the written word can get through or help them understand what is going on. In some cases it’s better because you can express yourself without getting overwhelmed with emotions and then never be able to “speak” your mind. I have kept a journal as I am “old school” for 35 years and it has helped me tremendously. My past English teacher always instructed us to write what we feel no matter what it is, big or small, insignificant or monumental. Maybe some things in our lives we do not handle perfectly but who does? We do the best we can. When someone is perfect, please give me a call. In the meantime, let the words flow.

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