Avalonmom727

Yesterday morning, my mom texted me her usual good morning. Every Monday, it’s “Madison Monday,” which is just a funny way to get me through yet again another Monday. 

I have a conference in the city today. Woo, being out of the office haha, I texted her. 

She told me to give her a call later when I had a free time after the conference. She emphasised after the conference so I thought maybe something was wrong. 

Is everything ok? Is it funny or serious [emoji]? 

She just replied with not funny, but wished me luck at the conference. The day went on and after the conference I gave my mom a call before I hopped on the subway. I started blabbing to her about the conference and then I asked her what was up. She asked if I was done the conference, and if I was still needing to get back to work. I had finished the conference, I told her. 

Okay well, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t want you to still be at the conference when I told you this. I wanted to tell you that Aunt Shawn has passed away. 

I felt like I hadn’t heard her correctly. My aunt didn’t have cancer, she wasn’t diagnosed with a serious disease. She repeated it again when I asked what she said, afraid that I heard “dead” when really she meant to say “sick with something obviously curable.” I continued to walk down a street I didn’t know in Brooklyn. A taxi zoomed by me and beeped because I seemed to have crossed the street without the pedestrian signal. Where was I? It didn’t matter. I pressed my body up against a dirty building and tried to melt into the city walls. 

And so began a series of questions that I never thought I would be asking my mom about her sister. Why, how, who knows, who is upset, who cried, what’s happening, what did grandma say, what did my sisters say, what did dad say, who else knows, what about her kids, what happens to her pets. 

What I’m writing isn’t about how I feel, and I guess if you have to define it, it’s a multitude of things. I’m writing because I’m angry. I’m writing because death is all around me, and I’m being forced to face it in so many ways. I’m writing because it’s the only thing I know how to do, and I don’t know how one single picture or social media status can perfectly paint the picture of a woman, a mother, the independent-strong-minded woman that she was.

When I was younger, that was when I was the closest with my aunt. For a while we lived in different counties, but eventually my family moved back to Telford, PA so we could be with my grandfather who had been diagnosed with cancer. I remember crying, when I was first told that I had to move from Delaware County, PA to Montgomery County, PA (big difference, when you’re in third grade). I remember my mom said, but you’ll make new friends! 

I don’t WANT new friends! I screamed. But then she added, you’ll be going to school with your aunt because she works there in the cafeteria! That got me to calm down a little.

Some of the things I remember about my aunt are little memories. In all my relationships in life, both personal and in my family, I always remember the small things about people. The time my dad stayed up late with me and made me egg sandwiches, when my sister gave me her favorite top because she knew I liked it more, when my brother bought me that red coat from Macy’s. So small, but so significant. 

The little things.

 My aunt used to have a pantry filled with the best snacks in the world. It was like a tiny little Costco. Big boxes of potato chips, iced tea, Dunkaroos, cookies — all the kinds of snacks that would make our mom furious if she knew we ate them before dinner. My brother and I didn’t care. We would ride our bikes up to visit and hope that Aunt Shawn would offer us a trip down to the basement to pick out whatever we wanted from the pantry. She always offered, and we always accepted.

***

My aunt loved the beach. I still remember the vacation I took with her and the family to Avalon. By accident (which I hope my cousins still realize was an accident) I killed one of my aunt’s favorite rats (they had several pet rats). I sat in the corner of the room crying hysterically knowing that I had broken my aunts heart. I remember how stern her husband was, he came into the room and told me that I need to go apologize “to my aunt.”  When I was able to see her after she had calmed down, I went into her arms saying how sorry I was, she said she knew I didn’t mean it, and that she knew I loved the little rat so much too. To this day I think about the little rat, but mostly because of how sad I made my aunt. 

***

And since my aunt loved the beach, she also had a large collection of seashells, which I remember going through secretly one time at her house, taking all of them out. Her husband caught me and scolded me, and I was so embarrassed. My aunt instead, reassured me that it was okay, and I believe she even let me take one home (but not her favorite, rare ones! Those she had to keep in the special little seashell containers). 

***

I also remember that my grandmother and aunt would always call McDonald’s “Mickey D’s,” which for some reason, I never knew people called it that. So when we pulled up to the big yellow “M,” I started laughing because I expected some cute, small town diner. My grandmother and aunt made fun of me so much, “How could you not know we meant McDonalds?!” We gobbled down some Mickey D’s and talked about all the clothes we were going to buy. 

***

My aunt also loved music, probably as much as my own mother who was constantly dancing around the house even though we begged her to stop. Shawn used to burn mixed CDs for my mom, with 80s club music, or classic jams like “You Spin Me Round,” and “Bootylicious.” Whenever I hear these songs, I always think of those mixed CDs. I hope wherever my aunt is now, her days are spent with ridiculous party jams from Destiny’s Child. 

She also loved animals, like my mom. Throughout her life she had an awesome cat named Max, guinea pigs, tons of pet rats, and just recently, her two cats had kittens together. I think in total she had six cats, but she just couldn’t find homes for them, so she took them in herself. I hope the family tries to find new homes for them, and doesn’t just throw them in a shelter, because I know for a fact that’s not what my aunt would have wanted. Little Goose will miss you!

***

Her love for my mom is proof that the bond between sisters is one of the strongest loves to ever exist. My mom and her talked often, but not as much as you would think seeing as they lived a few miles apart in Telford, minutes away from their childhood home where my grandmother still lived. It didn’t matter, they always stayed in touch. I always knew when my mom was on the phone with my aunt, because she would be on the phone for hours. And that’s no exaggeration. They would talk about everything and sometimes, I would sit in her room and try to eavesdrop. My aunt always seemed to know a lot about everyone, and she wasn’t gossipy, she was just keeping my mom up to date with everyone’s lives. 

She once told my sister that my mom is our rock, and we should remember that. I knew she was speaking from her heart, and from her experience as a mother. She did everything and anything for her two kids. Even when I heard stories about them misbehaving, there was my aunt, always ready to step in front of a bus for them. When my one cousin missed school on the day of prom (which was a big no-no, the rule was you go to school the day of prom or you can’t go..or you at least had to make it to fifth period or something) my aunt told her husband to call up the school and demand she be allowed to go to prom. When my other cousin moved to Florida, I had never seen a mother cry so hard. I think she was depressed for weeks, maybe even months. She was unbelievably proud, told everyone on Facebook how her son had moved on and gotten a job. But I had never seen someone so sad that their son had moved away. Those are the little things I remember — her sadness, her pain that her children were growing up too fast. 

I realize now it’s because her kids were her whole world. I know she had more in life that was meaningful to her, but her children were the stars in her life that guided her through dark times. She would do anything for them, and if she was still here today, I know she would continue to do so. 

And even when her husband brought divorce papers into the house, she continued to love him. Even when he might have stopped “loving” her the way he did when they first married, she continued to care and love him.

James TW says, “sometimes moms and dads, fall out of love.” But like my grandfather used to say, “Everything happens for a reason.”

***

She babysat the two neighbor girls next door, Emma and Jacqui, and became a sort of motherly figure to the both of them. Much like my mom, who is also passionate about children, my aunt worked at the local elementary school, babysat for a majority of her life, and also worked at a children’s day care center. I think in life, that was what she was meant to do. To be with children, and to try to help them grow up to be the best that they can be. 

***

Shawn was the big sister, and my mom was the little sister. In many ways, they were twins. Everyone thought they were, too. They looked a lot a like, and later in life as I grew up, people would comment and say, “You sound just like your aunt!” Or they would say, “You look so much like your aunt.”

A lot of my sadness with my aunt’s death comes from my own love of my mother. I love my mother with every vein and cell in my body. My mother is my rock, like my aunt said. Seeing my mother in pain, seeing her frustration that perhaps my aunt’s family didn’t step in and be there for her when she needed them, seeing her anger for not being there more for her sister, seeing and feeling the guilt in her voice for not being able to do more — it all but breaks me down.

Since my aunt loved my mom more than anything in this world, I promise her that I will be there for my mom no matter what. If she is sick, I will be there. If she needs help, I will be there. If she wants to rescue cats (which my aunt did), I will be there. If my mom is suffering from something, no matter how hard it might be for me, I will be there. I will be there, because I know Shawn wanted me to.

***

When I accepted a job in New York, my aunt was beyond ecstatic for me. She was also terribly sad for my mom, because she knew how it felt to have your first-born leave the nest. She wanted to throw a big party for me, with all my friends and family in attendance, to celebrate my new chapter. I look back on her enthusiasm, her willingness to open her home up. She said how she was so proud of me. She said that my mom is lucky to have an amazing, bright, smart young woman like myself. I held in tears that night, so as not to cry in front of my family. But tonight as I write this, I let the tears flow, because I will never again be able to tell you thank you, and I love you.

***

One special thing about my aunt, is that she lived for her nieces and nephew’s accomplishments. Every time we made the honor roll, she would clap with enjoyment. When I started dating my boyfriend, she said (in her Aunt-Shawn voice) “Well he is just ALL KINDS of handsome!!!!” When I graduated high school, she was there crying. When I graduated college, she was there crying again. She commented on almost every picture I ever posted on Instagram, every status I posted on Facebook. She read every blog I ever posted. Aunt Shawn just had so much energy, so much love, and she cared that other people were successful, living life, and achieving their goals.

Aunt Shawn, wherever you are, I’m sorry that I couldn’t show you New York. I was just about to talk to my mom about you two visiting me as “the Weisenborn’s take over NYC.” I wanted to show you that all my hard work paid off, and how happy I am to have you as my “favorite aunt.” You will always be my favorite aunt.

Destination

I sit alone in a vacant train station, but its vacancy is only my perception. It is semi-crowded, yet I have this feeling that everyone seems to be far away from me. I try to occupy my mind, but the lingering smell of oiled tracks and trash that has yet to be emptied only adds to the lump in my throat. My iPod shuffles music, and I have the urge to turn it off because every song pulls his face into my mind.

I hope for my train to come on time, anything to get me off of the cold bench that I sit on alone. I’m surrounded by hand-holders, married couples, and young lovers. I avoid looking at them, and instead glance at the clock that seems to keep saying 12:47 p.m. There are billboards across the track that I begin to take notice of, and I realize I’m doing more than just surveying what is around me.

The advertisement I focus on is for affordable health coverage, emphasizing that if I have this insurance, I can “live fearless.” The point is obvious. I’m supposed to think that if I get this health insurance, I can surf the seas, jump off of cliffs, explore the world, or be as reckless as I possibly can. I can live fearless with nothing to worry about.

I realize how often I worry as I stare at this advertisement. I worry about this idea of being fearless. I worry about my life in two years, I worry about where my family will go, I worry about my friends and what road they take, I worry about money and grades and opening my heart to someone new.

I hate worrying, and I hate using expressions about the heart because it seems cliché. The heart is just an organ that beats and pumps blood and keeps us living. So frequently we talk about the heart in pain, the heart swelling, the heart flipping and turning, the heart growing warm, the heart feeling love, his sympathetic heart, her aching heart.

Their hearts beating.

Still waiting for the clock to turn to 1:16 p.m., I picture his face, again, in the window as his train started to pull away from where I stood. My heart feels like it’s breaking, I thought. If my heart feels like it’s breaking, then does that mean being with him is when it is whole? Does it mean my heart is complete when I am with him?

My train pulls up, interrupting the thoughts I had. I still do not know if I can be fearless, but perhaps with him in my life I can begin to have courage and forget about being afraid.

I sometimes wonder if I will find the answers I am looking for. But, in this moment, I am sure of one thing, and that is that I am ready for a new destination.

Solitude

Recently, I’ve been taking time out of my day to just stop and think.

That seems like such a silly thing to say because I am always stopping and I am always thinking. But I think what I mean to say is that I’m finding how truly refreshing it is to just let myself be.

Freshman year, I took a Psychology course where my professor taught us how to meditate. At the end of every class, we would take the time to let go of our thoughts and find the space inside of us where we can have inner peace. I always enjoyed these end-of-day rituals, despite that the kids around me thought it was weird we were meditating in a college setting.

“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sometimes I think back on that class. I liked the way I felt when I could actually stop and let go of what was bothering me. These feelings linger with us; make us exhausted and nervous or uptight and frustrated. I think especially now, in this world we live in (fast-paced and unable to slow down), that it is important to take little moments to myself.

I never used to be alone, and rarely do I choose to be alone. I prefer to be in the company of others, hear the sighs of people in a library, the computers tapping around me, or maybe the sounds of a train station with bustling passengers, with the pages of newspapers turning or music coming out of too-loud music devices. I choose this over the silence.

Now, I try and relish in these moments of solitude. If the sun is out, and it isn’t too chilly (now that fall is here, and staying) I try to go to a small bench in a patch of woods on campus, or visit a bench swing down by a gravel path. These spots are normally vacant, and students rarely pass by. I like to sit in these secret spots, and whether it is a moment I am working on homework or writing for myself, I have started appreciating when I take the time to be alone.

Recent events in my life have expanded my boundaries of writing. One reason is the college course I am taking on creative writing; learning everything from poetry to prose, film to fiction. From this class, I feel more accepting of unfinished sentences and thoughts in the form of broken lines and rhyming stanzas.

I think some of this creativity has come from these moments when I am alone, when I can focus on what I actually want to write, what I have to say and what I want to make meaning of in my world. Most importantly, I think this ability to reflect stems from the idea that I may very well be unbelievably full of bliss. The idea that one person can make me feel this way is eye-opening, life altering, but I don’t think I’d have it any other way. While I am beginning to focus more on taking time to be alone, it’s in these periods of isolation that I think of this happiness, and the person that has brought out everything good about me, including giving me the strength to explore writing even more than I thought I could.

Embracing the Change

I haven’t posted in over a month. I always write to clear my mind, to make a point, to bring meaning to something in my own life or others. It’s painful knowing I have been neglecting my passion, a part of my life.

If I am being honest with myself, I have been afraid. I have logged on several times to this account, hoping that these feelings I have had will come out. I have been hoping to find the answers to questions that have been left for me figure out.

I don’t think I will ever have the answers to some of these questions. However, I have come to terms with one thing, and that is change is inevitable and no matter how hard I try, I cannot determine what the future has in store for me. My experiences over the last year, the last month, have changed me more than I could handle, but I think now I have an understanding of where I am in my life.

Where does that leave me? If I start back in the beginning of college, I realize how young, stupid, naive I was. This is not to say I didn’t have a good head on my shoulders, I really did. I worked so hard, knowing every hour spent studying was a dollar worth spending. I made relationships, kept relationships, broke relationships, experienced heartbreak, drama, and a whole lot of bullshit. I tried to add onto the person I wanted to be, the person I was becoming.

It’s so unbelievably hard to become “someone.” We all have this grand master plan that we shoot for, and we end up falling hard with disappointment. We want the perfect job, the perfect scores, the best GPA, great friends and the guy/girl of our dreams. We want this house and that car. We want to live in close proximity to a school so our kids are safe. We want some life that we don’t know if we can have.

I’ve realized dreams are something that should pinned on a bulletin board, tattooed on an arm, plastered on a wall. They should be engraved in our brains. At the same time, I have realized that these dreams or goals or whatever, shouldn’t stop you from taking a chance on something new, exciting, different or scary. I can still have goals, but I can also be a risk-taker, a go-getter, a spontaneous woman ready to live her life.

I had this plan that I would marry this guy. Everything was great, wonderful. We never fought, well we never would, but I would nag at things I wanted to change. And they never did change. They got better at times, but still these things that I wanted to change remained the same. That’s so unbelievably wrong of me to think I can change a person. You can’t change anyone. They can change themselves, but ultimately in the end, people will be who they want to be. If I could only say every racing thought I had in that short span of time when I broke his heart, maybe he could understand. Maybe he could not hate me, his mom could stop telling everyone at work that I broke up with him out of the blue. It’s not my fault….I didn’t mean to change. How can you get a person to not change? I’m sorry for hurting him. I’m sorry I couldn’t be sad, that I moved on so quickly. I had this unrealistic idea that we would graduate, I would work in the city, so would he, and then we would live together, followed by marriage. Seriously. What the hell was I thinking? I sound like a 13 year old girl cutting pictures out of magazines of bridal dresses and cakes saying, “This is what my life is going to be like.” No one knows what life is like, it just happens. So, if I had to tell him anything, which I promised him I would (and I never did out of more fear of hurting him, and the sheer fact that I don’t think I owe him anything), I would say I am sorry for becoming a different person. This is the best thing to happen to us because if we continued walking down this comfortable, no-thrills path, I surely would regret the person you are and the person I had become. You have given me a special time in my life, one for which I am grateful of, and I will never forget it.

There’s love that falls apart in relationships and then there’s love that falls apart in friendships. I can’t say which I hate most, losing a relationship or losing a friendship. Friends are intertwined in our lives, at least they should be. The worst part in any relationship is giving 110% and receiving less than that. I always try and do my best to be a good friend. I don’t even know what a good friend is, and I don’t know if there needs to be a specific definition. I do know that I don’t regret leaving behind any of my friendships. I refuse to be walked on, have no self-respect, and be treated like a fool. I am willing to go to the ends of the Earth for people, and I sometimes think they wouldn’t even go to edge of the water for me. I was supposed to be in a special time of my one friend’s life. I tried so hard to mend the cracks in our relationship, some created by me and some created by her (although she’s so perfect she won’t admit she did anything wrong). All my effort was overlooked, all my cries for attention buried under an enormous mound of lies and laziness. Thank you, for teaching me to stand up for myself, something I don’t know if I ever will fully be able to do on my own. If it wasn’t for my mom, and the actual friends I had, I would have stood next to you and listened to you say, “I do,” and have to put on a happy face, knowing I am filler, an object to fill a space that you couldn’t care less about. You didn’t care about me, and in fact if I wouldn’t have tried to text, Facebook, email….whatever….you would have just let it fade. I’m sorry that I ruined your night, but you ruined countless of mine and made me think I was a worthless friend, and a worthless individual. I’d rather be self-centered than a liar.

Then I had this crazy rebellious stage. They say college is all about the “college experience,” and you know what? They are right. Kids need to get out there (being smart about it) and drink, have sex, do drugs, run around, stay up late, eat bad food–all of it. I think we all have this feeling, this urge, to just do something. You don’t know what it is until you are in the moment. I don’t even know what this “something” is. I just know that when you feel it, you just want to be so spontaneous you couldn’t care less about the outcome or the time of day. You just want to flirt and be with everyone you come in contact with, or at least that’s how I felt. I guess I didn’t want to be alone.

That’s when I met him. He had his “eye” on me for a span of time. A couple dates, a couple kisses, some late-night flirtatious texting and I thought maybe, this could be something. Then I realized he wasn’t going to treat me how I wanted to be treated, and what’s the point of seeing someone who doesn’t make the fireworks go off? Reminds me, I still need to text him.

When I think about sparks, I think about this guy. It’s a crazy love story, almost taken out of a Nicholas Sparks book or maybe just a cheesy rom-com on a Saturday night. He’s ridiculous. If I could manufacture the ideal guy, it would be him. He’s everything that I’ve ever wanted in someone, and more. We met while working in the same town, and thank goodness he decided to have some courage that day. Every time I pass that corner I think about him. It’s crazy, it’s just a corner! Now he’s back in my life. Let me tell you, this time I can be honest about my feelings for you. I wish I wouldn’t have held back. I hope that you and I can make this work. I don’t care about distance, labels, time.

“Honestly, I want to see you be brave. Say what you want to say, and let the words fall out.”*

I know you’ve had bad experiences with a situation like this, but maybe one day I can change your mind. In the meantime I’m willing to do almost anything for you, because a connection like this is what everyone is searching for, despite how cliche it sounds, I think it’s that whole “missing puzzle piece” thing that everyone talks about. My music professor said, “Don’t be with someone you love, be with someone you can’t live without.” I think that fits for us.

Not every learning experience I have had has come from something bad. I’ve met a few amazing, inspiring, funny, and easy to get along with people so far this year. One young woman, who I hope will be my friend long after college, has opened my eyes. She just has the same morals, same ideas, same goals and dreams as I do. I don’t know what I would have done during this time of change, this time of confusion, without her. And as always, my mom has been a huge help and a huge supporter of everything I do. She can play devil’s advocate pretty well, but more often than not, she is always on my side. I am thankful to have another close friend, who may not be close in age, but she is someone so close and dear to me, I cannot imagine life without her. She’s just a great example of someone who has struggled in life, but continues to give and help even though she needs it more than I do.

I’ve heard people say change is good, and I’ve heard people being afraid of change. I can say now, that I can embrace anything that comes my way. I’m ready to be daring, different, spontaneous, loving, mindful, and at peace with myself and the people around me. Much like the journey to discovering myself, I am constantly traveling down new and exciting paths that tests my understanding and love of the written word. Without writing, there is no meaning. Without change, there is no future.

The Beginning of a Somewhat Spring Break

There is so much I want to say in this post, but I fear two things; no one will bother reading it and, my hands will fall off due to how much typing was done.

I apologize for everyone who actually reads what I write. I told myself a resolution would be to write almost everyday, but we all can see how that went. That is why I do not believe in resolutions. They are half-hearted attempts at bettering your life. If you truly want to do something you don’t need a resolution, but I digress.

Zooey and I, pondering over an essay written by Jane Tompkins. It was a good discussion.

That being said, I have been away from blogging due to the immense amount of work. I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t use that as an excuse but here I am. The stress level has been at an ultimate high, what with my juggling of papers due every day and work bogging up my brain, I’m surprised I have any sanity left.

Good news is, I have spring break (even though it is the least bit spring-y outside) and I can relax and catch up on my work. No Florida trips for this chick, I think instead I will catch up on my P90x routines and read a good book (currently in the midst of How the French Invented Love and She Matters).

I’ll end this post here, since it’s simply the prelude to something better to read (maybe..)

Going Haywire

Due to the fact that I am still on my winter break, I have much time at night that I like to spend watching movies or television shows. Normally I spend my time watching re-runs of Modern Family or The Big Bang Theory.

A few nights ago, I decided to broaden my horizons and watch a classic. I chose The Philadelphia Story. This movie stars the great Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and James Stewart.

Liz Embrie (Hussey)

My favorite scene was towards the end where Hepburn’s character Tracy decides to break off her wedding with her fiancé after he thinks that she cheated on him with a reporter (Stewart’s character). Liz Imbrie, the photographer played by Ruth Hussey, then says something in this film that really stood out to me (if you are confused about the plot see here).

 

 

“We all go haywire at times, and sometimes, if we don’t maybe we ought to.”

I don’t know why it stood out to me, but then when I thought about what she was saying I could see that it really relates to previous happenings in my life.

I’d like to think that Liz was telling Tracy that sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we go a little crazy. But if we don’t mistakes how can we ever learn to be a better person? If we don’t freak out every now and then, our feelings will stay bottled up inside (until they eventually explode).

I like to think Liz was sending me a little message. Maybe I was supposed to watch that movie. Lately I’ve been thinking about how a friendship has probably been ruined because I told someone how I really felt about something they did. It’s a complicated situation and if you knew the full story, I’m sure you would be saying, “Madi, we all go haywire sometimes.”

Tracy learned a lot in the movie. She learned that sometimes the person you think you love, might actually not love you in the same way. She learned that sometimes you make mistakes, but in the end it’s okay because we all do at some point.

If you can’t admit your mistakes, you can never truly be a happy person. I’ve lived a life where I try to defend every statement I make so I can try to be right. It’s easy to win an argument, but it is harder to admit that you are the wrong one. I’m trying to be the better person in heated situations, and admit mistakes I have made. I only hope the people I surround myself with will do the same.

Tracy gets drunk for the second time in her life, right before her wedding day. A mistake, yes, but in the end it was a mistake worth making.

In the end, everything worked out for Tracy. She did end up marrying someone on the day of her scheduled ceremony (just not with the intended fiancé). I think everything worked out with her because she went with her gut. She got a little crazy and went with what she thought was right. I like to think that I’m doing the same thing, and maybe in the end everything will work out for me.

Thank You Bloggers

One of my very close friends, and fellow wordpresser (see her blog here http://thoughtfullywritten.wordpress.com ) went shopping today. She’s one of those friends that no matter what you are doing or what time of the day it is, you can always have a decent conversation with her. No matter how much time goes by where we don’t talk (we blame college) whenever we get back together it’s like nothing has changed.

Anyway, we both were discussing our writing with our blogs, and I think we both agreed that one of the most important part of having a blog is caring about other avid writers. It’s one thing to manage your own blog and write everything you are feeling, several times a week. It’s another to stumble upon other writers who share the same passion as you.

I know I devote a lot of my time trying to get more followers and other people to view my site, but I think I want to spend more time viewing other blogs. I think as a writer I need to learn from others as a part of my journey to (hopeful) success.

I’ve come across so many amazing bloggers on this site. It is truly a wonderful thing to realize how many other people are out there that either share a passion for writing, or something else, or both. I love coming across blogs where the person not only is amazing writer that I can learn from, but they also share a passion for something bigger. There are so many cooking blogs, photography blogs, music blogs, and personal blogs that I have found this past year. I really wish I could meet some of you, to just shake your hand and thank you for giving other bloggers like me inspiration and courage to keep going. My friends and family have backed me up with everything I do, but without the amazing people on WordPress, I probably would have quit two years ago. So thanks to every random person who has followed me, liked my post, or shared a comment. You’re part of the reason I keep on writing.

The Freedoms We Think We Have

After months of campaign ads, news reports, heated debates, and casual conversations, the day has come and passed: Election Day.

I know I am late on posting about the important day, but I couldn’t pass this opportunity.  Better late than never, right?  Ever since my Women Studies class back in high school, I was ecstatic for the day I would turn 18 and be able to vote.  Learning what women went through just to place a piece of paper in a box, is something I will never grasp.  But it was more than a piece of paper, it was the right to vote.  It was the right that all people should have, and value every day.

But, do we have a right to vote for who we want?  Recently, I have discovered the answer is no.  Slandering ads will tell you “Are you better off?” or “Can you trust him?” just to get you to go a different way.  Your friends will ridicule you for who you want to vote for, and your parents will be confused and say, “We raised you a (democrat or republican).”

This is the problem.  People have started to judge each other off of what party they stand for, or who they want to vote for.  Everybody immediately shuts down, and spews out their statistics and hard facts, and doesn’t listen to the other person.  Once you start talking about politics, people get angry.  Don’t tell me you haven’t experienced that.  This is why a majority of people, young and old, that I talk to say, “I don’t ever talk about politics.”

We need both parties, don’t get me wrong.  We cannot have a strictly Republican president, nor a strict Democrat.  I’ve noticed that most of America is divided between Republicans, Democrats, and those that do not care.  Those who really support a party will judge you if you say you stand for the opposite.  I experienced this the other day.  A guy at a coffee shop (which will not be named) would be really friendly and give me a free donut every once and a while.  He had overheard a political discussion between my friend and I, and once he heard that I was a ____, he acted different.  He wasn’t as nice, and I received no free donut that day (quite the disappointment).  If someone’s opinion can change how you act towards them that drastically, what does that say about us?  (Apparently it means that when you are a _____ you get no free donuts or casual conversation).

Isn’t that concept sad though?  Since I believe in something that others may not, I have to fear ridicule or disapproval.  How is this America?  We are supposed to have all of these “freedoms,” but people have begun to dismiss them, or abuse them.  You can’t talk about politics because someone may disagree with you, and instead of offering intelligent arguments, we yell and shout and get nasty.  It needs to end.

Whoever our president is, whether it be now or the next election, we should respect.  You may not agree with what he (or she) is doing, but he (or she) is still your leader.  Let’s just realize one thing: Our country will never be perfect.  How can it?  With all the differences we have, there is always going to be someone, somewhere that is unhappy.   People will blame whoever the president is, for all the bad things that may happen.  High gas prices, tuition is too expensive, rent is too high, energy isn’t efficient, no health care, people are impoverished, unemployment rate, etc.  We cannot keep looking at the past and say, “This president had the unemployment at ___rate, he did a great job.”  There were probably other factors that contributed to him getting the job unemployment rate under 8%.  There have been presidents who have paid for wars on “credit cards,” who have slashed programs, and who have watched us suffer a depression.  Do we constantly bring them up and blame them for everything they have done?  For the most part, no.  We blame the current president, which I believe is unfair.  Yes, the man in office is the leader of the entire country, but if you think you can do a better job, then by all means go enter the next election.  A majority of us like to talk the talk, and overall, we would never be able to do as good of job as the men that have run.

We must remember what our country was founded on, but we have to remember that our country is now changing.  Things cannot stay the same.  There are certain things that need to change.  Along the way we may see difficult times, but we should always try to move onward.  Living in the past cannot get us to the future.

We all have our differences, and I think that it makes us unique, and it is what makes America the greatest country to live in.  I think we should always keep one thing in mind though.  If you do not agree with someone, whether it be for who they want to marry, what they want to wear, what religion they practice, or who they vote for; you need to respect.  We all have freedoms.  You wouldn’t want someone to ridicule you for who you voted for, right?  So don’t do the same to others.

Something that I value most in my life, is having freedom.  We could live in a place where we would never have the chance to vote.  If you feel that you want someone in office, you have the power to do so.  This is something we should never forget.

My favorite presidential quote from JFK, “My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

I am Madi Moore. And I support this message.

Wanting to Go the Distance

Sometimes you just need a sappy post.  Maybe my lack of sleep and the fact that I am coming down with some sort of plague is why I am all emotional.

My friend was on the phone the other day with her fiance.  They were having a normal conversation, but I could tell they weren’t going to talk for long.  This was probably one of their last calls before he went back out to sea.  Her fiance is in the navy, and they have had a long distance relationship since the time they met. 

I think any long distance relationship is different.  There are some couples that see each other a few times a month.  Others have to go long periods of time before they can get together.  I think that when you have to set aside a day to hang out with your significant other, or drive a long distance just to hang out for a few hours, or even visit another state for them, it is considered a long distance relationship.  Basically, if you don’t have the means to see them every other day, it is long distance (purely my opinion). 

My boyfriend lives in Philadelphia and I live about an hour away from the good city of brotherly love.  He’s finishing up college, and I am in my hardest semester, juggling two jobs.  We both have very busy lives. There is no possible way to talk every second of the day, nor is it feasible to see each other every day.  I think of my relationship as long distance, but when I look at my friend’s relationship, I really can’t complain, can I?

I hate hearing a girl or guy complain about how they don’t get to see each other every day. If you live and attend the same college as each other, you shouldn’t act like you never see each other.  It is that much easier to visit or get together.  You have the convenience of being in a close proximity of each other, so if your lives are too busy and you can’t see each other, maybe you should reasses your priorities. 

Despite those complaints my friend has to hear, I know that she and her fiance must be really strong.  To have a relationship like that, where sometimes you go months without hearing from each other, is a sign of true love.  Any couple out there who has a significant other in the service, kudos to you both.  I don’t think I could ever do that.

Every time I am with my friend, and she gets a call from her navy fiance, I have to smile.  No matter what mood she is in, her brief phone call or Skype chat with him instantly cheers her up.  You have to admire couples like this.  They still manage to keep their love and admiration for each other, even at such distance.  After all, they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I think with relationships like my friend’s, and sometimes my own, you really get to appreciate the little things.  Even if you get to hang out for a day, or a couple hours, we would take that over nothing.  Sometimes it is hard, whether you are in a relationship or not, to be seperated from the people you love.  Sometimes even a day is hard.  Learning to cope with the difficulty, and having people near you who care about you, can help you more than you would ever know. 

I guess you never really know what people are going through until you truly get to know a person.  My friend has been there for me since my freshman year of college (even though I was a lowly freshman, and she was older!).  Once you get to know a person, and see them dealing with their hardships, you can really, truly respect them. 

“I am on my way – I can go the distance!
I don’t care how far – Somehow I’ll be strong
I know every mile will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere to find where I belong”

I know Hercules meant going the distant in a different way, but I love this part of the song, and reminds me of the strong relationships.

http://www.disneyclips.com/lyrics/lyrics57.html

Staying Drunk on Writing (Somewhat of a Celebratory Post)

As you are reading this, you must know that it is my 50th WordPress post.

*Applause*

Thank you, thank you.  I have been blogging since March of 2011, which to me seems so very far away!  I have definitely improved as not only a writer, but a journalist, and an individual.  But, I have still kept the backbone of who I am and who I will always be.

I thought about what would make a great 50th post.  I know it’s only 50, but I started out with a meager one-post-a-month a year ago.  Now, 54 followers later, over 7,000 hits, a Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr account to boost my ratings; I’m fairly satisfied.

Without anymore stalling, I decided to celebrate this mini stepping stone, and to do so I will enlighten all with the many interesting facts of Madi (that’s me by the way).

Let us begin…

I was named after the movie Splash.

I used to not eat bananas because a girl told me the little brown parts in the fruit were actually spider eggs, and they would hatch inside my brain.

I have three Pillow Pets.

I have a huge obsession with Winnie the Pooh, which I show with a homemade “Pooh’s Corner.”  I have stuffed animals, cards, Pez collectors, all of the books, puzzles, mugs, snow globes and paintings (I’m really an adult, I swear!)

I snort when I laugh.

I am currently reading A Game of Thrones, Franny and Zooey, Martha’s American Food, Dare Me, Shiver, Peanut Butter and Jeremy’s Best Book Ever, A Brief History of Thought, and The Consolations of Philosophy. 

I commute to college, and work part-time (even though it feels like full-time) at a library.

I love to meet new people, as long as they aren’t going to potentially kill me, stalk me, etc.

Lists are my friends.

I probably should be diagnosed with some form of OCD.  I am always organizing things, especially Colin’s room (which he never keeps clean).

I LOVE KITTIES.

Pigs are my all-time favorite animal. And manatees.

I’m really loud, laugh a lot, and of course, talk a lot.

I am addicted to coffee, and to fuel that addiction, I have a collection of mugs from a variety of places (I’m over 50 mugs!)

I want to be a reporter, work for a newspaper, and write for as long as I live.

Before deciding I wanted to write forever and a day, I wanted to be a marine biologist.  Then I got a C in biology….that career choice defused quickly.

I hate constructive criticism.

I am a girly-girl.  I wish I could wear dresses everyday.  Although, yoga pants would suffice.

I love my boyfriend Colin with my whole heart!  And all of my very close friends who read my blog and put up with my shenanigans.

I wish I could sing, paint, take amazing pictures, and could solve a math problem without crying.

I think I’m amusing.

Fin?

“I’ll show you all that I am.”
-Rob Thomas

No matter where I go in life, I will remember these weird quirks and traits I have.  I think whenever someone asks me, “Tell me something unique about yourself,” I freeze up.  What do you mean unique?  What does that mean?  So, I tell the person what they want to hear, not the funny facts like I listed.  Some people are good at sports, others science and math.  I just think I’m a charming girl a majority of the time.  Someone who is always kind to others, even when they don’t deserve it.  Someone who loves to talk, and meet others who share the same passions.  But mostly, I’m a girl who loves to write, and even at 50 posts, I know I’ll never stop.

Cheers to those who have been here for me every step of the way.  I couldn’t do this without you.